cycle of change

I made a reference previously to cycling... and how i can actually feel the effects of caffeine again. Now that I have had some time
to level out, I can really say that a lot of my consumption was basically maintenance behavior. I had to drink what I was to feel normal, and to avoid withdrawal. I tend to get headaches anyway, so not having my regular caffeine would be another pain in my day, and since it is so readily available it was never much of a problem.
Where I am with all of it right now is that I feel like there is a moderate dose I could find where i wouldn't feel as dependent as i did, but where I could still feel "better"... I could get the sharpness I was used to and still fee like I am missing.
Looking at that last statement I feel like it mirrors what a lot of addicts go through... my use wasn't that bad, it actually improved my performance, I can manage my use better now... all things that may or may not be true...

I fee like I am kind of stuck in the middle between wanting he good feelings I miss, but not wanting to feel like I need to depend on caffeine either...

where are we at?

So it has been three weeks since I greatly cut back on my intake.
I have cheated enough that I can't say I actually quit. My shiny thermos I bought to help me get through Monday's and Tuesdays has sat there idly, and I have probably saved about 10 bucks a week on soda. My currently average consumption is less than a soda a day. I have one or two on Monday and Tuesday, maybe one on Wednesday, nothing on Thursdays and Fridays. When I have two sodas in a row I can actually feel the effects, which is something it used to take a big cup of coffee to do. I like the idea that I can get the effects I want with a lot less intake, I guess that pretty much mirrors the habits of opiate users trying to decrease their tolerance to save money... kind of an unpleasant thought.

update

I had a migraine on Thursday, and I popped my Excedrin without a second thought. I had a headache Sunday and decided to go with Excedrin again over other options. For the migraine I wasn't about to mess around, and with headaches in general I feel like the caffeine helps... now that it has been a couple of weeks without caffeine, I am pretty sure that the headaches I get are not fro ma lack of caffeine, so it feels like using caffeine like a drug... or medicine I guess seems more okay than constantly drinking soda or coffee.
When it comes down to it, I have not eliminated caffeine from my life, but I have scaled back a lot. I can see myself very easily ending back at my previous levels in very little time without actually making an effort to not go there...I pretty much always feel like I could use a little jolt of energy, my concentration is better with a little caffeine, and staying off of it has not helped my sleep at all (so that is not the incentive I thought it would be).
I am planning on maintaining the kind of minimal consumption I have settled into in the last week through the end of this project... but after that I am not sure what I'll do.

cravings

I feel like i am doing okay for the most part without caffeine.
The thing that bothers me is that at the times of the day/week when I would normally consume a lot of caffeine, I still get headaches and I feel more tired than usual. My ability to concentrate decreases, and I sometimes gt a little irritable. The times are" Monday morning, Monday before class, Tuesday all friggin day, and Wednesday a couple hours before class. These are pretty much the times I need to concentrate most and I feel like just saying forget it and going back on the caffeine. I like the benefits, and I feel like there is always a ready cheap supply available, and that my use was fairly moderate to begin with (...could that be a bit on the irritability coming through?)
Anyway, let's see if I can concentrate enough to get by in class tonight.

week 2

I have not had too much to say on the caffeine front. After the headaches went away, I didn't feel too much worse for the wear. I have cheated a few times, so I am technically not caffeine free. Here is a bit of my thought process on cheating:
Last week I had a soda Tuesday afternoon. I am on campus for 13 hours on Tuesday, and I have sessions with clients from 530-830. I feel obligated to be alert and not yawning my way through those sessions. About 3:00 last Thursday I started getting a headache, and I was already feeling run down... time for a couple diet cokes. It is now the following Tuesday and
I feeling pretty run down... I took some Ibuprofen to try and stave off the headache, but I still feel like I need something to keep my eyes open through three house of sitting in a small warm room in a padded chair.... looks like Tuesday cheating is going to be a regular thing.
I also shared a soda this weekend with my wife. When we go to fast food we always share a drink(because we hate spending an extra buck on a cup...) She did not want any of the caffeine free option, so I let her get what she wanted and just dealt with it. I could have just had water, but I wasn't in the mood. I also did not feel like half a soda was going to break me and have me chugging coffee again Monday morning. I was fine yesterday, but like I said above... I am relapsing in about an hour when I get off work.

end of day two

My headache is mostly gone and I just feel really run down now. I have felt kind of dulled the whole day, took me longer to make decisions, kept forgetting things (which I NEVER do), and I just feel tired... not sleepy, but really tired. Wit the headache gone I am pretty sure I can manage things, we'll see what I am saying about half way through my 12 hours of work Tuesday...

day two

The headache is still here, but not as bad as yesterday. I had a terrible time sleeping last night, but that is not that uncommon for me so it might not all be the withdrawal. So I am tired today and craving soda. I am taking ibuprofen for the headaches since my usual Excedrin (with its 135mg of caffeine) would be counter productive. I am really hungry these last two days too. I normally eat a very small breakfast, but without my morning soda or coffee I have been starving after my normal meal. I am starting to feel like this is kind of pointless, I have no plans for strictly avoiding caffeine in the future, and I feel like my dependence was not unmanageable... on the other hard I realize that my tolerance was definitely going up, and that I have been slowly increasing my consumption, especially since this term started. Anyway, I have already spent a day with this headache and I think I should be mostly through the painful part.
After today I expect the headache to be gone, and they it will be a matter of getting used to not having the energy boost.