cycle of change

I made a reference previously to cycling... and how i can actually feel the effects of caffeine again. Now that I have had some time
to level out, I can really say that a lot of my consumption was basically maintenance behavior. I had to drink what I was to feel normal, and to avoid withdrawal. I tend to get headaches anyway, so not having my regular caffeine would be another pain in my day, and since it is so readily available it was never much of a problem.
Where I am with all of it right now is that I feel like there is a moderate dose I could find where i wouldn't feel as dependent as i did, but where I could still feel "better"... I could get the sharpness I was used to and still fee like I am missing.
Looking at that last statement I feel like it mirrors what a lot of addicts go through... my use wasn't that bad, it actually improved my performance, I can manage my use better now... all things that may or may not be true...

I fee like I am kind of stuck in the middle between wanting he good feelings I miss, but not wanting to feel like I need to depend on caffeine either...